DATELINE: ARCTIC CIRCLE (AP) A battalion of Marines has been deployed by Democratic President Nero to the North pole in search of “left-wing communist sympathizers”. This action was undertaken on the basis of an informative tip provided by the American Conglomeration of Popular Merchandising.
Under the direction of self-styled patriot General Dick Eastmoreland, the 96-1/2 Marine Battalion quickly captured a small toyshop operated by a Mr. Kris Kringle. A horde of plastic rifles, pistols and other weapons were confiscated. Sources claim that each item was tagged a legend, like “Merry Xmas Tommy.”
“The kids ask for them, I just deliver them,” explained Mr. Kringle. “All the boys seem to be into Rambo and toy Uzis nowadays.”
Countered General Eastmoreland, “This is obviously an enemy weapons depo. There are even naked dolls up here. Apparently Mr. Kringle is operating a child prostitution ring on the side. Just listen to that spine-tingling ‘ho-ho-ho!’”
“Ohh, the dolls are for the girls,” Kringle says, “Except for a few orders from San Francisco. HO HO HOI Y’know, I have to admit thig job is getting a mite dangerous. Last year a bunch of MiGs tried to shoot me down over Russia. Now it’s the dagnabbed Marines!”
A brief dispute ensued when Eastmoreland informed the elderly toymaker that he was being evicted. Mr. Kringle claimed squatter rights, then reportedly made some remarks involving ‘coal in their stockings.’
The toymaker was put in tough with Admiral Billy Chickenhawk, second-in-command of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Mr. Kringle is reported by reliable eyewitnesses ae saying, “I understand your position, my dear fellow. Now GET OUT!”
The Marines were hastily withdrawn with Mr. Kringle’s promise of leniency and “no coal this time around.”
In an unrelated development, a team of Greenpeace scientists in winter gear were discovered roaming the beach at Pago Pago. Among their belongings were several crates marked ‘Reindeer Feed’.
Details at eleven.